Avoid this to have more fulfilling relationships

Avoid this to have more fulfilling relationships

Jun 14, 2020

All relationships require work, however, your relationship with yourself is very important in terms of how you impact others. When you are more loving and caring with yourself, you will attract more loving and caring relationships into your life.


Perfectionists set extremely high standards for themselves and others that are personally demanding. It also includes basing your self-worth on your ability to strive for and achieve unrelenting standards. 


Perfectionism also leads to negative consequences due to setting high standards and continuously going for them despite a huge personal cost on your health and relationships. It creates a vicious cycle that is hard to break. 


Perfectionists will not normally be conscious of their standards until they are not being met. This plays out with your need to control the situation and others as you see things through your fixed and inflexible lens of what is acceptable or unacceptable.

 

What does perfectionism look like?

When all the details fit in perfectly, something is probably wrong with the story - Charles Baxter

 

It reveals itself with unhelpful thinking styles and rules for living such as:


  • Catastrophising e.g. Chicken Little “the sky is falling,” thinking the worst case in a scenario when there is no evidence to support it.
  • Black and white e.g. good and bad, right and wrong.
  • Fear of failure.
  • Shoulds and musts.

 

What areas of life can perfectionism show up in?

It can show up in one or more activities including:

  • Work or study
  • Housework/cleaning
  • Close relationships
  • Organisation
  • Eating/weight/shape
  • Personal appearance and hygiene
  • Sport
  • Health/fitness.

 

What are the possible consequences of perfectionism?

When your unrelenting standard isn’t met by you or others, you will use criticism towards yourself and others. With others, you will focus on being right and making the other person feel wrong. This is where self-esteem and relationships are impacted.


Procrastination is the tendency to put action off and not follow through with a commitment for no valid reason. It can be problematic when there are negative consequences as a result of procrastination.


Worrying is a repetitive form of negative thinking where you will think that future negative events are possible. It causes anxiety as you analyse and ruminate over a possible threat. Worry causes you to look for the worse in a situation and see problems that don’t exist. You will then try to solve a problem that was created by your worrying. Worry is a problem when it happens frequently and you struggle to let the situation go.

 

What is at the heart of it?

The wound of not being good enough is at the heart of perfection. When we come from a place of feeling inner peace, there is no need to strive for being perfect. A healthy level of perfection is when things are good enough, there is less judgement (the volume of the inner critic is small) and you apply reasonable care to what you do.


What actions can you take to reduce perfectionism?

My heart expands for people trapped in the prison of perfectionism as it causes people to suffer unnecessarily and may lead to relationships breaking down. If you have identified perfectionism as a problem for you, what actions can you take?

 


1. Choose the area of your life where you experience the most stress and negative consequences in your life.  Identify when it first started and what was happening in your life at the time. Is there a reward for you to continue with the same habit? Ask if the standard you have set for yourself and others is flexible and achievable? What is a new habit you can create to stop the old pattern from continuing? 


Attempting to change your thoughts is a challenging road because your brain has been hard-wired over time like a superhighway to continue the repetitive thoughts and behaviour. Creating awareness about your perfectionistic tendencies and realising that the reward you are receiving doesn’t outweigh the negative impacts you are having on yourself and others is a great step in the right direction.

 

2. Use EFT tapping to reduce the stress and negative thoughts associated with your perfectionistic tendencies. You need to focus on the situations and memories of when it turns up. Healing work can have a tremendous positive impact in reducing perfectionism in your life. If perfectionism is a problem, get in touch now to be free.

 

3. Learn to let go and not hold tightly to behaving similarly. Change your schedule and way of doing things to help you to break the vicious cycle. For example, if you clean your house each week on the same day and need it to be spotless before you relax, stop this pattern and choose to go and do something completely different. Another example is if you wear your hair a certain way, then change it and wear a new style. Once you have loosened the grip, set more realistic and achievable goals. Ensure you reward yourself when you successfully meet your new goal.

 

Catch yourself speaking more kindly to yourself and develop self-love.


Be free of the perfect prison.

 

Here's to living your best life!

 

Melissa Taylor

Future Transcendence Leadership Mentor

Author of A Practical Guide to Finding Your Soul Purpose